Last year, around February, something happened. I had cut out of my life someone that had been there for a few years and who I had considered my best friend. Except this relationship was growing very toxic and imbalanced. It does not matter who was right or wrong, who did what or who acted badly. What matters is that it led to a friendship breakup, something we do not talk about much.
I don’t know why friendship breakups are not so talked about often. There can be multiple reasons behind relationship breakdowns but when we hear about them, whether that be in books, on TV or in real life, it is always because one person has done something bad to the other. Stole a boyfriend, stole a friend, betrayed a friend, did something unforgivable. Often female rivalry and incapacity to create actual friendship is used as the main reason. I guess that’s what you get when you grow up in a society where the one most important relationship is the romantic one and that women can’t be friends with each other.
There are many reasons why you should allow yourself to break up with a friend. You do not get along anymore, grow apart, go very different ways, do not appreciate each other’s company. You develop different interests, your life takes a different turn, you are not on the same page anymore. And on, and on.
Well, as far as I am concerned, nothing of the sort happened. No female rivalry, no fighting over a man, no liking each other less, nor growing different interests. Maybe there was some growing apart. Me moving on with life, creating a life, and her staying stuck in one place, and in my opinion, throwing her life out the window. So I guess we actually grew apart, but in such an unequal and unbalanced way that it fueled jealousy and bitterness. Or at least that is how I perceive, feel and see it.
And it destroyed a friendship.
It did not happen overnight. There were signs. Small signs and small things adding up which all together made it a time bomb and had me say stop. We were a team, we were supposed to be equal but there clearly was an imbalance. Beyond me always putting more work into our shared projects or bending over backwards to make her happy, it is the toxicity that ended our relationship.
The bitterness and jealousy that led to dismissing me, my work and my accomplishments. The rant aimed at me on how everything I was doing was wrong and the reason why I was going nowhere in life. Or the double standards, where I’d be stupid to do something but it’d be fine if she did it. Also, on how I would get this or that job, this or that collaboration and she did not. Surely, if I did get those things, she should too. Because, she is much better than me after all.
An accumulation of things that hurt, were exhausting and made me miserable.
It is hard to break up a friendship. You are used to that person’s company and still like the friend. Indeed, you will happily forget all the nastiness because of the good times you have had together. But there comes a time where enough is enough. And it scared the sh*t out of me but it had to be done. So I did it. Maybe not in the smartest and most appropriate way. Especially because it got me a wave of insults and abuse. Which then again, proved my decision to cut things off .
After the first wave of abuse landed, I explained my feelings. What had pushed me to do this. How I had gotten there. All the things that had added up and the final straw. But I got more abuse instead of her reflecting back on her actions or apologizing. Had she apologized; I would have probably forgiven her. When I think about it, the conversation that had led to her being the most abusive she’d ever been to me, was so basic and innocent. But she had a point to make, a debate to win, and because she did not have any other argument, she used abuse.
That’s how I decided I was done.
And so I cut her out of my life.
The first thing I felt was emptiness. Abuse, toxicity and disdain were gone. No more starting a conversation being worried about triggering some nasty reaction. No more working for someone else but her getting just as many rewards. Yet, I felt empty.
We had been friends for some years, speaking everyday, seeing each other despite the distance, having fun and having a good time (most of the time). And all of a sudden, this was gone. The bad was gone, sure, but the good as well. And it took me a long time to get over it.
To remember that I could no longer tag her on stupid memes or videos on Facebook. That I could no longer text her when I had just read something or seen something. That my go-to person was no longer there. That someone to whom I’d talk to every single day was no longer there. On my own initiative, because I had taken the decision to cut her out of my life.
For so long, she was still in my thoughts. I was thinking about her, about the whole situation a lot. I’d check out her blog, her Twitter, and her Instagram. Just to know what she was up to, but also to see where she was at, to confirm that I was doing better and to prove myself that I was not what she said I was and that I was able to accomplish things on my own.
Moving on took some time. Even now, sometimes, I think about it and how things could have been different. Maybe if I had been open and honest about my feelings from the beginning, we would have talked it through and salvaged our friendship. Maybe me being honest about what I thought of her life decisions and the direction her life was taking would have helped. Or maybe it would not have helped, I would have still received waves of abuse and the different directions our lives were taking would have killed the friendship anyway.
Who knows?
One year on, I can say that it was a good decision. It was hard but it had to be done. I grew up, I got out of a toxic relationship, I put myself first. It was not selfish; it was self-preservation and staying sane. Breaking up a friendship that was taking so much of my time and became a comfortable shield forced to me get out there and meet new people. I met incredible people that helped me get through the breakdown of the friendship, whether it was before or after it happened. Thus, I was never alone and always had the support I needed.
I was no longer working for two or fearing that she might feel left out when I was getting opportunities even though she did not. My blogging journey has been great ever since, with my Instagram growing, my blog taking a new direction and my photography improving so much. Nothing is holding me back and it shows. I am much more adventurous and less concerned about what someone might say.
One year on, I have gone so far and I am so much happier. So much happened in the past year on so many fronts.
I am much happier and that’s all that really matters.
Shop the outfit
Have you ever been stuck in a toxic relationship? Whether it be friendship or romantic? What did you do? Did you get out? How long did it take you to do so? How do you feel about it now?
Thanks a lot for stopping by. I hope you liked this post.
See you soon,
Love,
Corinne.
*The dress is a gift from Shein (use my code 9TEA for 15% off if you fancy) but all opinions are my own.
Ugh yes, toxic friendships are tough. I had to let someone go a while back. She was always bringing me down and I had enough.
I have had a couple of this throughout the years and it was the best thing I ever did. It reaches a point where things just get too toxic and so leaving such friendships is for your benefit.
This is something I can relate to. Ive had friendship breakups for multiple reasons, and they are so hard to do. Especially, when they are one of the closest people in your life. I dont regret any of it, it made me mature and focus on myself. I’m happy to hear how you’ve grown from this.
Friendship breakups suck! It can be a hard decision to cut someone out, specially if you’ve considered them a close friend for a long time. But it can definitely be the right decision – and it sounds like it was for you here! Xx
People really do minimise the effects that relationships can have on you, especially toxic friendships. And it is almost more difficult to cut them out of your life. Congratulations on taking a very difficult step, and for making it this far!
I’ve found myself in more friendship breakups than relationship ones and it hurts twice as bad! But its always for the best to be rid of the toxcitity!
So sorry to hear that all of this went down. It sounds like it was the right decision for you even though it was a painful one. Your solo blog is wonderful! Friendship breakdowns are horrible though! x
Sophie
What a post Corinne! I can actually relate to this. We all have the ‘legacy’ friends (the friendships we’ve had 10+ years) that we feel we have to keep. But things change, life changes and you grow apart particularly in values and career. I’m sorry to hear about your friend but it seems you’re healthier without them whoever it is!
http://www.thewongblog.com
Toxic friendships are so hard, and can be so difficult to break free from. I’m so proud of how far you’ve come over the last year, and how happy you are XXX
Ps. Beautiful photos ?
I’m glad you cut that person out. Sometimes it’s better to let certain people go for your own happiness. You just can’t be friends with jealous people because they pour their insecurities on you making you feel bad or ashamed about your accomplishments and that’s the kids be of negativity we don’t need in our life. Lovely inspiring read Corinne ?
Natonya | https://justnatonya.wordpress.com
Toxic friendships and relationships are exhausting and stressful. Most people give them a chance but toxic people usually don’t change. I am glad to know you got away from that friendship.
Cutting out people who are close to you is soooo hard but if it’s for the better good, then by all means. It’s easier said than done but I’m glad you did, I have done so too in the past! Defo feel the emptiness but we eventually get there in the end!
Jessica & James | http://www.foodandbaker.co.uk
This resonated with me so much. It’s so hard to cut people from your life, even toxic people. I’ve experienced this twice, one of my closest friends from secondary school who often put me down and left me feeling like I was making all the effort. She only called me or saw me when all other options were exhausted. Her, and my emotionally abusive ex. I missed them both initially, the good parts of both relationships, like you said, but am ultimately better for it. Great post.
We constantly hear about toxic relationships but rarely toxic friendships so this is really important to talk about! I’m glad it was the right decision for you and that you’re happier for it. It’s weird when it breaks down without anything really happening, isn’t it? I’ve definitely lost a LOT of friends over the years. One in a really weird way too.
Jenny
http://www.jennyinneverland.com
I relate to this post so much! I’ve been in such a difficult position with friendships over the last few years, but you always have to do what is best for you!
Love, Amie ❤
The Curvaceous Vegan
Many of us stay in unhealthy relationships because we`re too scared to let go of what we already know, only after we let go do we realize it`s something that should have been done earlier. Comfort zones can sometimes be more damaging than we realize.
Thanks for sharing, really admire your courage.
It sounds like you made the right choice with breaking away from a certain friendship. I am glad you have found yourself in a much happier place.
As I entered into my 30’s. I had a lot of these friendship break-ups. I feel as though as we mature, we sift out all the badness in our lives and only want positivity. Some of these break-ups were due to the intensity of the friendship. As I built my life, I drifted apart from drinking buddies and friends I seemed to rely on in my youth. They seemed to want to continue the party lifestyle as I settled down. All these experiences have been learning curves. I’m so glad you feel better a year on! xxx
Ashley
https://lellalee.com
well as hard as it can be I am happy you were able to realize it was toxic to you!
Very interesting topic, thank you for sharing. Good for you to have walked away from a bad friendship! I love your dress by the way!
I think that we all have been through that experience. Although is painful, sometimes it’s just for the best. Sometimes it’s because the person is toxic and sometimes its just the world doing its thang’ or at least that’s what I think. Loved your outfit btw<3
XO
Candace
http://www.thebeautybeau.com
sometimes we have to let go of something or someone to make room for something/someone new 😉
These life changes are so important to evolve and grow. But even knowing that, they’re hard choices and tough not to look back on. I removed a handful of toxic relationships from my life about seven years ago and I still clearly remember how painful it felt, even knowing it was the right decision. I’m so much of a better and stronger person because of it.
That dress is really gorgeous
Candice x
natalyaamour.com
Babe! You are flourishing and you look super lovely in all of these pics! 😀 Probs the best decision because it has allowed you to grow so much more as a person. Abuse from anyone whether it be a friend, partner or family member is NEVER acceptable…and I’ve been in your place so I know how it goes. I had a best friend that was like a sister to me, we grew up together and things just went so terrible. Like I really started to see her true colors and realized how dependent she was on me but the love sometimes wasn’t returned as selflessly as it should. Very powerful post you have here! Keep up the great work 😀
xx Lena | https://lenadeexo.com
I’ve gone through several friendship breakups and they can be so hard. I wish more people talked about them.
Wow. Love this orange dress. Perfect for the up and coming summer style. Btw your style has consistent, every post is always packed with the best trend and style that I love. Super thx!
You’re looking lovely!
Anyway, sometimes, it’s just right to break up with friends…especially when you feel like it is working no more. That’s why I just love to still have my personal space even while in a friendship. It becomes good to miss each other.
I haven’t really been in a toxic friendship/relationship(at least I don’t think so since I’ve only had one relationship and a few friends), but I have helped people who were in toxic relationships before. I’m an empath and it can be draining, I can only imagine what it’s like to actually be in one and be able to walk away from it.
You look beautiful! Friend breakups can be so difficult. It is hard to move on, but sometimes necessary.
You look dressed and ready for the spring! Glad to see you are moving on so nicely!
You get to live once, so discard the ones that bring negativity and stress on you. Well done for walking away. BTW, beautiful and bright dress 🙂
Yeah! you have to realize that some people can stay in your heart but not in your life. Thanks for the wonderful blog to read.
Cutting out negative and unhelpful people will be one of the best things you do! I’ve gotten to the point when I feel like I need to find new friends as I have nothing in common with any of mine anymore!
It’s a subject of taboo. No one wants to get in the crossfires between a friendship, but I’m glad you’re speaking out. People come and go. If you’re lucky, you’ll find one real friend in life. And that’s all you need.
Cutting out toxic people is really difficult it is something I have also had to do this year. It is not a nice thing but I feel so much better for doing it. You also look amazing in this outfit!